My Funny Valentine
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: It's Valentine's Day, so Harley Quinn gives Joker a special drug to keep him interested in her. What could possibly go wrong? Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! :-)
1. Chapter 1

**My Funny Valentine**

The Joker awoke on the morning of February 14th to find that he couldn't move his arms. Or legs, or any part of his body, he noticed, as he opened his eyes to find himself chained to his bed. His slight sense of panic only increased when he noticed Harley Quinn standing by the foot of the bed, wearing a skimpy nightie and holding a whoopie cushion.

"Oh, you're awake finally!" she exclaimed, beaming.

"Uh…pumpkin pie…what is all this?" he asked, looking around warily. "Why am I all chained up?"

"Because I wanted to be safe rather than sorry this year," retorted Harley. "You always find some way to weasel outta spending time with me on Valentine's Day, so this year I thought I'd beat you to the punch. So I drugged your bedtime hot chocolate last night and chained you up this morning, and now you've got no choice but to spend all day in bed with me," she purred, climbing onto the bed and bending over to kiss him.

"Wow, that's…great, pooh," stammered Joker. Inwardly he was fuming, but he knew he was going to need all his charm to get out of this one, and truth to tell, he was kinda afraid of upsetting Harley with that crazy, needy look in her eyes, especially when he was at her mercy like this. "What a clever little girl you are! But…uh…y'know Daddy…sometimes has a difficult time giving repeat performances…"

Harley giggled. "Well, you won't today," she said, grinning. "I gave you some of Ivy's special formula."

"Ivy's…what?" he asked.

"Special formula," she repeated. "Ivy said she was sick of guys flagging when she was still gearing to go, so she invented this formula that'll…uh…well, it kinda gets guys really hard at random intervals. And it looks like it's working!" she giggled, gazing in captivation at the sudden bulge in the sheets in front of her.

"How are you…Harley, this is wrong on so many levels!" he gasped.

"Mmm hmm," she agreed, pulling aside the sheet and straddling him. "And I just love things that are all wrong for me, Mr. J."

She began moving up and down, and nature did its work. "Harley, you have to…stop this now," began Joker. "Harley…Harley…oh, Harley…oh…Harley!"

And then the doorbell rang. "I'll get it!" said Harley cheerfully, climbing off him suddenly.

"Harley, no, get back here!" he shouted. "Harley! Harley! Aw, son of a…" he muttered, struggling uselessly against his chains.

"Morning, Red! What are you doing here?" asked Harley, opening the front door to her friend Poison Ivy. "Doncha have some guy to spend today with?"

"There are more important things than men to deal with today, Harley," growled Ivy. "In some sick Valentine's Day joke, Gotham Botanical Gardens is allowing people to come in and pick their own bouquets of roses fresh from the 200 acre rose garden it planted a few months ago!"

"Aw, that's kinda romantic…" began Harley.

"Murdering defenseless flowers is not romantic!" shrieked Ivy. "And I'm heading there right now to put a stop to the slaughter! You should come with me."

"Uh…thanks, but no thanks, Red," said Harley, glancing toward her room. "It being Valentine's Day and all, Mr. J and I are kinda…busy in the bedroom. Y'know."

"Harley, you useless waste of space!" shouted Joker at that moment. "Get back in here right now and unchain me, or I'll break every bone in your worthless body!"

"He doesn't sound like he's in the mood for romance," said Ivy, dryly.

"But he is, Red!" protested Harley. "You just don't know him! Threatening me is one of the ways Mr. J shows he cares! It means he needs me, really needs me, y'know, desperately…"

"Harley, now!" roared Joker.

"Just hang on one second, Red," said Harley, rushing off. A few moments later, a series of loud, pleasurable cries came from the bedroom. Ivy sighed, taking a seat in the living room and turning on the TV.

"…hundreds of people have descended on Gotham's Botanical Gardens to take advantage of the special, romantic, Valentine's Day gesture. Here we have celebrity billionaire Bruce Wayne, spending Valentine's Day with a very lucky lady…"

Ivy turned the volume up, trying to drown out the sounds of enjoyment from the bedroom, which were becoming even more high-pitched on Harley's part. "Oh, puddin'! Oh yes! Yes! Yes!"

The final shriek was ear-splitting, and for a second Ivy understood the Joker's reluctance to bring Harley to that state. "Oh…puddin'! That was incredible! Just so good!" she moaned. "Oh, it's so nice that you're really in the mood for…"

Ivy heard a shriek, and then a thud, and then a door slamming. A second later, Harley emerged from the bedroom, limping slightly and rubbing her bottom. "Not one for cuddling, is he?" said Ivy.

"Yeah. I kinda thought he'd be different today, Red, 'cause of the drugs and all…" said Harley.

"What drugs?" asked Ivy.

"Uh…nothing," said Harley, hastily. "Should have kept him chained up, I guess. But I just thought he'd be more enthusiastic than usual today."

"At least you got sex on Valentine's Day," retorted Ivy. "That's more than most of us. Although maybe I'll give Harvey a call this evening. Now are you gonna come with me or not?"

"Sorry to disappoint you, Weed Lady, but she already came with me!" chuckled Joker, entering the room fully dressed in his usual purple suit.

"Very funny, J," sighed Ivy, rolling her eyes. "But I actually have bigger plans than a roll in the hay today. They're planning a mass genocide of roses at the Botanical Gardens. I'm going to put a stop to it."

"By massacring unarmed citizens?" chuckled Joker. "Sounds like a laugh riot! We'd love to come!"

"Nobody invited you!" snapped Ivy.

"Aw, c'mon, Red, it's Valentine's Day!" exclaimed Harley. "It's a day for couples, and me and puddin' wanna spend time together as a couple! I can't go anywhere without him today!"

"Today or any other day," growled Ivy. She sighed heavily. "Fine, you both can come."

"And we both already did, Plant Lady!" laughed Joker.

"If you promise to stop the sex jokes," finished Ivy. "And keep the PDA to a minimum. There is nothing worse than being alone on Valentine's Day and having adoring couples all around you rubbing it in."

"Oh Pammie, I'm sure you have weeds waiting for you at home!" chuckled Joker. "And if you'd like a warm body for a change, I'm sure you can use your special lipstick to drug a guy or two. Although there are laws against that kinda behavior…"

"Aw, Mr. J, Red ain't the kinda gal to let laws stop her doing what she wants!" said Harley.

"No, I've heard about this drug Harley gave me, and I'm sure there are laws against that," agreed Joker. "It ain't gonna do any permanent damage, is it? Y'know…down there."

"What drug?" asked Ivy. "You can read the warning signs on the Viagra box the same as I can, J."

"It ain't Viagra!" snapped Joker. "I don't need Viagra! I don't have any problem getting it up under normal circumstances, and I don't need your weird experimental drug to keep guys keen!"

Ivy stared at Harley in astonishment. "You stole the Man Up formula?" she gasped. "When I told you it was still in the testing stages?"

"I…I didn't mean to, Red," stammered Harley. "I just wanted to make this Valentine's Day really special, y'know? And I thought it would be just the thing to keep Mr. J interested in…"

"Do you know what it's going to do to him?" interrupted Ivy. "He's gonna have random boners all day long!"

"And they_ are_ long…" began Joker.

"Shut up, J!" snapped Ivy. "I'd better go get the antidote before we go anywhere, or this could be really embarrassing for you…"

She trailed off, smiling slowly. "Yep, really embarrassing," she murmured. "Well, let's head to the gardens. I can't wait to see the look on Batboy's face when he sees what you've got just for him!"

"Bats is gonna be there?" said Joker, beaming. "Lead the way, Weed Lady!"

"Mr. J…Red…no!" called Harley after them. "It's Valentine's Day! I gotta be with puddin'! Mr. J? Red? Aw, nuts!" she cried, racing after them.


	2. Chapter 2

"So my plan is, throw in some smoke grenades to distract them," explained Ivy as she stood on the roof of the Gotham City Botanical Gardens. "Then while they're coughing and panicking, I'll throw down some seeds and get a whole forest of thorns growing around the rose bushes to protect them. Anyone who's already in there is stuck, and not getting outta there alive. Then maybe I can plant some giant venus fly traps to finish 'em all off – that way revenge will be delicious and nutritious. What do you think, Harl?"

"_I _think you're far too dependent on plants to do your dirty work," retorted Joker. "You need to live a little, Pammie! Be in there at the kill!"

"Unlike you, Joker, I'm not some murderous psychopath who takes a sadistic joy in the pain and suffering of human beings," retorted Ivy. "I don't get off on it – I'm just impartial to it, the way they are to the pain and suffering of my babies…"

"Yeah, yeah, less talkie, more smashy," said Harley, raising her hammer.

Joker chuckled. "Now there's a dame after my own heart…" he began, and then suddenly staggered back.

"Mr. J? You ok?" asked Harley, racing over to him in concern.

"Yeah…just feeling…really lightheaded," he muttered. "Must be the altitude. Or the…aw, crap," he muttered, glancing down. "Excuse me, ladies, I just gotta go take care of this."

"I can help, Mr. J!" called Harley, but he had already raced off. She sighed heavily. "Great. Even when I give him exciting drugs he don't want me. You should just stop trying to get him interested, Harl – you just screw it up, like you do everything. Just accept that he just doesn't think I'm as attractive as I think he is."

"Harley, don't beat yourself up," said Ivy, soothingly. "You're a really attractive girl. J's just an older guy, and y'know guys ain't as interested in sex as they get older. Plus J is anything but a normal guy, so maybe he wasn't even that interested in sex to begin with, at least not with women, or non-rodent related men…"

"But he's really good at it, Red!" exclaimed Harley. "Just like he is at everything! And I just wanna show him how much I love him, just like I want him to show me how much he loves me!"

"I'm sure he does that in other ways besides sex," said Ivy.

Harley thought. "Nope, not really," she replied. "He treats me as badly as he treats everyone else, except I get the sex bonus. That's one of the ways I know he's only joking, when he yells at me and says I'm useless and kicks me out. Because in the end he always takes me back, and we're always…together. We make up. And when I'm lying in his arms afterwards, gazing up into his eyes…it's so obvious he loves me. You can just see it. I like to see it. I like to know."

She wiped her eyes, which were tearing up. "I _do _know," she said, firmly. "I'm just being silly. But you don't know what it's like, Red, to be with a guy who's only affectionate in really rare moments. You just wanna make those moments happen as often as possible."

"Yeah. I've never dated a jerk before," muttered Ivy. "Oh wait, that's right. All the men I've dated have been jerks, because all men are jerks. Can we just focus on this life-saving mission? Every second we delay, another of my babies gets cut down in its prime."

"Sure thing, Red," sighed Harley. "Smoke grenades at the ready…"

…

Bruce Wayne stood in the men's room, washing his hands at the sinks, when a stall door opened and a familiar figure stepped out. "Much better!" sighed the Joker, adjusting his belt. He noticed Bruce staring at him in horror. "Yeah, I wear Batman boxers sometimes," he snapped. "What of it?"

"Nothing," retorted Bruce hastily, as the Joker washed his hands. "I'm just surprised to see you here, that's all. Didn't peg you for a romantic kinda guy."

"Yeah, well, I ain't some sissy who picks flowers for a dame like a simpering little twit," retorted Joker. "But I'm plenty romantic. Nothing says 'I love you' like a little chaos, murder, and mayhem, and that's what I've got planned for Harley today. Shame her little gal pal had to tag along as a third wheel, but you feel kinda bad for the poor kid, y'know, being all alone on Valentine's Day. Course maybe if she stopped being such a plant enthusiast, if you get my drift…"

"Yes, you're not a subtle man," retorted Bruce. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my date…"

"Here's a free tip: stay away from the rose bushes," said Joker. "The Weed Lady's gonna throw a really violent hissy fit around them. You know, I think she might be crazy!" he laughed.

Bruce hurried out of the bathroom, beginning to undo the buttons on his shirt to reveal a bat symbol underneath.

By the time the Joker arrived at the rose garden, Ivy's attack had already begun. People were trapped inside a giant forest of thorns, screaming and shouting in terror.

"Really puts you in the mood, huh, Harley girl?" chuckled Joker, draping an arm around her shoulder and kissing her cheek as Ivy's thorns entrapped more people.

"Does it, Mr. J?" asked Harley hopefully, glancing downward.

"No, you greedy brat, I just got rid of it!" snapped Joker. "Hard to do too, with no dirty magazines or anything lying around. I had to just use my imagination."

"Well, why don't you tell me what you imagined?" asked Harley. "Might give me a few ideas for when we get home. You did imagine _me_, right, Mr. J?"

"Yeah, sure, Harl," he retorted. "But with the way these things keep springing up, I don't wanna think about…oh, for God's sake!" he snapped, glancing down again. "This is getting ridiculous! Harley, c'mon," he said, grabbing her wrist and dragging her off. "I need you to give me a hand. Or a mouth, or something."

"Yes!" whispered Harley, fist pumping the air and skipping after him.

"Maybe this'll teach all of you to modify your opinions of what romance is!" shouted Ivy, standing on the thorns above the smoke and chaos. "Murder is not romantic!"

"I couldn't agree more," said a voice, and Ivy turned just in time to see Batman swinging towards her. He kicked her off her perch, knocking her to the ground among the thorns, and then landed next to her.

"Batman. I can't say I wanted you in particular for my Valentine's Day date," hissed Ivy, struggling to her feet.

"Good thing I'm only staying long enough to return you to Arkham," replied Batman.

"Not today, Bats," retorted Ivy. Batman cried out suddenly as a huge, thorny vine wrapped tightly around his body. "But you can still be a dear and feed my babies," said Ivy, grinning as the vine pulled Batman towards the mouth of a giant venus fly trap.

Batman struggled against the vine, straining to reach his utility belt. He grabbed a spray can, pointing it into the plant's waiting mouth and releasing the toxin.

The plant hissed in pain, writhing and shriveling in death. "Baby!" shrieked Ivy, rushing toward it. She was apprehended by Batman, who had been released in the plant's thrashing.

He slapped handcuffs on her, muttering, "I predicted this particular event would attract you, Ivy, so I packed a special herbicide just in case of trouble. I can't say I'm glad I was right."

He sprayed more of the toxin at the forest of thorns, which also began to shrivel and die, hissing in agony. "Stop it, you monster!" screamed Ivy. "They've done nothing to you!"

Batman ignored her, handcuffing her to a bench and escorting the frightened citizens outside. "Where are Joker and Harley?" he asked at last.

"I dunno," snapped Ivy. "Probably in the men's room."

"What would Harley be doing in the men's room?" asked Batman, puzzled.

"Why don't you go see?" she retorted.

Ivy had a slight smirk of satisfaction on her face as she watched Batman walk off. This grew into a smile when she heard him cry out in horror, "OH MY GOD!"

"Yeah, it _was _what it looked like," agreed Joker, as Batman dragged him and Harley back over to Ivy. "But you don't understand what's been happening to me! And frankly it's really rude to interrupt a guy _in fligrante_…"

Batman punched him suddenly. "I will _never _be able to erase that image from my mind!" he hissed. "So I hope you're happy about that!"

Joker giggled. "Yeah, I kinda am," he agreed. "Tell me honestly, because I'm sure the folks at home really wanna know – am I bigger?"

Batman punched him again. "Into the Batmobile, all of you!" he snapped.

"I'll take that as a yes!" chuckled Joker, as he and Harley were shoved into the backseat. Batman glanced down at Joker's lap, and then glanced back up at him in disgust.

"Hey, don't flatter yourself!" snapped Joker as he climbed into the driver's seat. "It ain't because of you! It's this stupid drug! Which I don't normally need – I don't have any problem getting it up!"

"Do I want to know about this drug?" asked Batman.

"Ask Pammie," snapped Joker.

"Look, I don't think it's so unreasonable for me to have invented a drug to give men more staying power," snapped Ivy. "I've had so many experiences with guys flagging…"

"Thanks, but you just answered my question," interrupted Batman. "Turns out I _don't _wanna know."

He drove in silence. "Should I ask why you've taken it, Joker?" he said, slowly.

"Harley slipped it to me," retorted Joker. "Because she's a dirty little sex fiend who constantly craves the Big J, ain't that right, pumpkin pie?"

"Shouldn't have asked that either," muttered Batman, as Harley squeaked happily and began kissing Joker passionately. "Look, just stop it, all right?" he snapped, as Harley climbed onto Joker's lap and began rubbing herself up and down.

"Aw, c'mon, Bats, you must know what it's like!" cried Joker. "You've probably got a Bat-boner fighting the Weed Lady or the Cat Lady or something! It's gotta be really uncomfortable in your tight suit! Well, as mine's bigger than yours, it's uncomfortable in my looser suit too…"

"It's not bigger!" snapped Batman.

"Well, it's still really uncomfortable," retorted Joker. "Why doncha let me have a bathroom stop, buddy? And then I can get rid of this and you can take us back to Arkham without things being awkward for everyone."

"Too late," muttered Batman, but he pulled over at a gas station. "Make it quick," he snapped. "If you're not back here in five minutes, I'm going in after you."

"Doncha trust me, Batsy?" laughed Joker. "You wanna watch me to make sure I'm not up to anything?"

"No, of course I don't want to watch you!" snapped Batman.

Joker shrugged. "Your loss. C'mon, Harley," he said, taking her hand.

"I didn't say she could go too," said Batman.

"You said you wanted me back in five minutes!" protested Joker. "I can bring Harley and make it quick, or do it on my own and make it longer. Your choice."

Batman glared at him, and then nodded curtly. Joker grinned, pulling Harley out of the car and disappearing into the gas station. "You're such an idiot," snapped Ivy. "You know he's gonna try to escape."

"What choice do I have, Ivy?" demanded Batman. "I'm not going to watch him do that!"

"Fine. But don't blame me when he ends up killing innocent civilians," retorted Ivy, folding her arms across her chest.

Batman sighed heavily, climbing out of the car. He entered the gas station and suddenly heard an explosion coming from the bathroom. "Well, whaddya know, pumpkin pie, our sex really is on fire!" came the Joker's mocking laugh as everyone panicked.

Batman tried to push his way towards the bathroom, when he saw the ceiling begin to crack, and suddenly his priorities shifted. Saving innocent lives came before recapturing the Joker. "Everyone outside!" he shouted, hurrying to escort people from the building.

As the last person raced outside, the roof gave way, and the gas station collapsed in a pile of rubble. Batman looked for the Joker, but he correctly assumed that he had already gotten away while he was distracted. Frustrated, Batman returned to the Batmobile, where another surprise awaited him.

Poison Ivy had managed to slip out of her handcuffs using her plant-mutated, acidic body secretions, and had disappeared. Batman wondered if it was worth tracking them down, when suddenly a radio on his belt beeped. "Batman? The Penguin is attempting to steal a pair of lovebirds from the Gotham City Zoo. I know it's probably not the most important crime going down at the moment…"

"But it'll probably be less awkward than the last one I stopped," finished Batman, leaping into the Batmobile. "On my way now."


	3. Chapter 3

Later that evening, after a quick stop at Poison Ivy's hideout to get the Joker the antidote to the Man Up formula, to Harley's disappointment, things had calmed down somewhat. Joker and Harley sat on the sofa in their hideout, watching _A Night at the Opera_. Harley didn't understand what the film really had to do with Valentine's Day, but she didn't argue with Mr. J's choice – she was just happy to cuddle against him as they shared a box of ice cream, taking a spoon each and eating directly from the carton.

Harley's previous attempts to make conversation had ended in threats, and Joker snapping, "Pay attention to the movie, Harl! It's the funniest part!" So when they reached the bottom of the carton, instead of asking if Mr. J wanted to finish it, Harley ate the last spoonful of ice cream herself.

Joker's eyes were glued to the TV as he scooped into the carton and popped the spoon back into his mouth. He frowned when he realized the spoon was empty, and glanced down into the carton.

"Did you eat the last of the ice cream?" he muttered.

"Oh…yeah, I did, puddin'," said Harley.

"Without asking me if I wanted it?" he pressed.

"Uh…yeah," said Harley, slowly. "Sorry…"

"On Valentine's Day?" he continued. "After all the crap you put me through, you didn't even offer me the last of the ice cream?"

"No, I'm sorry, pudd…" began Harley, but he struck her violently across the face.

"You selfish, greedy, ungrateful little brat!" he shouted. "You don't even need ice cream – you're already a fat, useless waste of space! Here, just take all the goddamn ice cream!" he cried, tipping the carton over and letting all the remaining, melted ice cream fall onto her lap.

Harley stared at it. "That's a new nightie you just ruined, you jerk!" she shrieked, suddenly furious. "And I ain't fat!"

"That's not what your ass says!" he snapped.

"Take it back!" shrieked Harley, leaping at him. She began pummeling him furiously, and he hit her again, knocking her to the ground. He held her down as she struggled against him, and then she kicked upward, knocking him back. Harley reached for the lamp, smashing the bulb and holding the broken glass in front of her like a weapon. Joker seized the lamp cord and threw it around her neck, pulling it tight behind her. Harley choked and struggled, and then slammed the broken lamp behind her. The glass cut Joker across the cheek and he cried out, falling back and releasing Harley. Harley jumped to her feet, kicking Joker back into the TV. She approached him, lamp raised, and prepared to smash it into his face.

Joker caught her hand as it came down, twisting her arm and making her drop the lamp. Then he kicked her back onto the floor, and pinned her down as she lay, winded. She was glaring up at him, breathing heavily, and he shoved his mouth on hers suddenly in a violent kiss.

"I dunno about you, baby, but that little romp just put me in the mood for another romp, if you get what I'm saying," he murmured, grinning.

"Oh, Mr. J!" moaned Harley. She moved her hips slightly and grinned. "Thought the drug was all outta your system."

"It is," he agreed. "This one's all because of you, cupcake."

"Oh, Mr. J!" she sighed, adoringly, wrapping her legs around him and pulling him down to her. "Oh, puddin'! I love you!"

"Happy Valentine's Day, you worthless little brat," he murmured.

Harley kissed him. "Happy Valentine's Day, puddin'."

**The End**


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